27 Funny New Year’s Resolutions to Keep 2014 Interesting and Failure Free

funny new years resolutionsIt’s time for a New Year to roll in and you’re tired of the same old failed New Year’s Resolutions. I totally get it, I am too, I’m not losing weight, I’m not getting out of debt and I’m not getting organized. So, what can we do? There’s got to be something out there for us. Lo and behold, there are some things that us otherwise hopeless and hapless New Year’s resolute-ers can look forward to.  There’s no real way to sum these up, so how about you join me for the next 8 minutes of your life and find out what you should do to make 2014 a knockout. You could learn some motivational techniques in goal setting 101, too, but meanwhile, you could try one of these.

1. Finish a chap-stick

Oh what a day! If you can manage to hold on to that sucker for the better part of six months (maybe a year), be proud. Be even more proud if you use the chap-stick enough in these six months that it actually finishes. It’s totally worth the effort of keeping that thing out of the laundry, the trash, off the ground and out of the sticky fingers of your chapped lipped friends. Facebook status worthy, yep.

2. Fill up your gas tank all the way

Maybe I don’t know that many wealthy, or even relatively financially stable people, but no one seems to do this. I’m more on the “I-might-run-out-of-gas” spectrum than I am “oh dang, only a half a tank left” wavelength. Not sure about you, but filling up my gas tank – all the way – at least once this year would be a true feat.

3. Grow a plant

No, don’t buy a plant and then dutifully neglect it. Plant something and watch it grow. Again, no negligence. Think of it as a fish or something. It’s non-intrusive but adds great character to your home. You wouldn’t forget to feed your fish would you? (You might and I wouldn’t blame you.) Still, adding some greenery to your house is going to help your oxygen intake and make things look nicer – as long as it’s green. Brown isn’t very becoming. And, chia pets don’t count. If you’re feeling ambitious, maybe a medicinal food forest in your backyard is calling you.

4. Separate your colors from your whites

Ugh. Such an adult thing to do. I can honestly say, at 28, I still have never spent the time to separate my whites from the rest of my mangy clothes. I don’t see the point in washing four white tank tops and six pairs of socks by themselves. But maybe it’s time for a change. Mom would be proud.

5. Don’t send a text to someone sitting in the next room…or the same room.

You might be that person that can hear your roommate asking you a question but instead of parting your lips to make noise, you get quick with your fingertips to send a response. Whhhhy. Is it that hard to communicate with people these days, or are we as a collective just that lazy. I know, I know, it’s totally both. Thanks internet.

6. Try taking a selfie that looks like a picture of an actual person

Yes, I’m talking to you duck-face ladies of the world. How about showing us your great new do by taking a semi-normal picture of yourself. You know, the kind where the angle isn’t totally in your favor, or your lips aren’t wrinkled up like you’re ingesting citric acid. Let’s see those pearly whites, sans the bathroom stalls.

7. Try coming up with a new creative excuse for playing hooky. “I’m getting sick” and “my Aunt died” are getting a little old and are totally transparent, dude.

Simple. Say something like “my car got run off the road and all four of my tires popped, my GPS was launched from the car and I haven’t the slightest idea where I am or how to read a map.” Man, what are the odds? Bossman won’t question a thing. (He’ll question everything.) Or, try earning a passive income with Lazy Money so you don’t have to go back, ever.

8. How about not making your New Year’s resolutions on a napkin at a bar on New Year’s Eve and then either losing it immediately or spilling your $8 cocktail all over it.

That’s pretty much all I have to say about that.

9. Take a nap instead of doing work

Sometimes, you need that all our drool-fest with your pillow when you’re so tired your eyes won’t stay open. Instead of prying them open Clockwork Orange style, shut those baby’s and hit the nearest soft thing for some much needed Zzz’s. Work will always be there. Sanity will not. I know this.

10. Case your house so you know how the robber will get in when they try.

Yeah, I say try because I err on the side of extreme pessimism. My mom always says “better safe than sorry”. You are probably never going to be robbed, and no one is probably ever casing your house. But, in the event that you are part of the 30% of people who are victimized, do yourself a favor and do it. If you don’t know what casing is: case and point (get it, get it?!).

11. Don’t do so much “foot cleaning”.

I know you, you spill spaghetti sauce on the floor and you can’t bear the thought of bending over to clean it with your hand, so you drop the paper towel on the floor, step on it and move your foot around anxiously. Next time consider using those things attached to your shoulders you grew. Which brings me to number 12.

12. Don’t let your dog, Barky, be your vacuum. You lazy, lazy human.

As easy as it is to fling food around the kitchen and then call out for your non-human best friend to do the dirty work, you shouldn’t. Well, not all the time. Try, I don’t know, cleaning it up with your HANDS, or something. Even a foot in replacement for your dog works here.

13. Don’t collect your hair on the wall of the shower, make it into an easy to clean up wad, and then throw it out after you’re done showering. Just once.

Girls, you know you do this. Men with long hair – you too. Let the drain do what drains are supposed to do. Suck things up and get clogged. Plus, isn’t the feeling of wet hair stuck on your hands just the best thing ever?

14. Don’t save your fortune cookie message like it’s going to guide you towards the light, or save you when you’re in the dumps.

You put the message in your wallet or on Facebook as a go-to when you’re in need of some affirmation. However, you never look at it, you never will and your friends don’t care when you remember it’s there and you want to share it with them. I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of this, trust me. Instead, maybe, scope out this meditation course and find some happiness in under a minute a day.

15. Depending on what stage you are in life: don’t puke and rally.

Just don’t. It’s gross and weird and totally not worth it. (If you can relate to this you’re thinking “totally worth it”.) No.

16. Don’t pick your nose in your car.

We can see you.

17. Don’t adopt a really cool new social media acronym.

I actually had to look up what “lls” meant the other day. I thought I was being insulted but quicly realized I was being laughed at. One in the same, one in the same. I mean, duh, how obvious is it that that means “laughing like sh*t”. Why can’t you just use one of the other inane “laughing” abbreviations like “lol” or “lmao”, “lmfao” or “lmbo”, for the politically correct, or “lshipms” (I made that up). Figure it out! Enough is enough, eh? If you’re interested in ditching acronyms and using social media for social change, learn all about it in this e-course.

18. Come up with a creative Halloween costume, no more provocative cats or dead people, please.

This means, no being “Lady Gaga” or a “zombie”, do something fun, be a blade of grass or something.

19. Don’t drunk dial, text, or Snapchat.

Just once, during your wild run with 2014, try not to drunk-anything-phone-related to anyone. You know that you’re going to regret it when you eventually come out of your whiskey coma. And there’s no take backsies. Since you’re most likely going to be drunk and not remember this cleverly written guide, inform your friends to help remind you when you’re oh-so-tanked.

20. Don’t be convinced by that 2am infomercial.

I know that the Wonderfile sounds really, really great. I mean, free shipping and no risk? Sign me up! Don’t do it. It’s late, you’re tired, it sounds cool but it’s probably something you could MacGyver out of scrap paper and Elmer’s glue. Just trying to do you a solid. Instead of spending $10 on something you don’t need, spend $10 on How to Invent and make your own product for your very own infomercial. I got you.

21. Be accepting.

We live in a day when gay marriage is legal, marijuana legalization is happening, and the NSA is invading our privacy. Alright, so don’t be accepting of the latter Orwellian reality, but know that people are gay and people smoke pot. If you’re not and you don’t, great. If you are and you do, great. Don’t get in the way of someone else’s lifestyle. Accept the things you cannot change. You’ll feel lighter. And better.

22. Don’t stay home from work so you can watch the Law and Order: SVU marathon on USA.

We’ve all been tempted. Some of us have done it. It comes on every day of the week, I’m watching it right now. Resist. Money > Elliot.

23. Girls, don’t do the back-up fake emergency phone call when on a first date.

I know, dealing with a bad date is just so unfair. But really, what did people do like 50 years ago when a date went awry? They didn’t wait for a handwritten note to come and bail them out. Try dealing with it on your own without your girlfriend giving you the opt-out. So antiquated.

24. Don’t stalk your favorite celebrity.

But it’s so easy! Yeah, I know. With social media we can follow everything our celebrities do, comment on it, favorite it, “retweet” it, debate on who they are dating even though we have never, and will never, meet them. They have zero privacy and it’s awesome. I’m kidding. I can’t say that I don’t spend the better part of an hour each day following Matthew Gray Gubler. Silence. An hour is a bit much, but look up some current affairs or a witty article written by Ann Coulter or something instead.

25. Walk, wherever you’re walking, without staring at, using, or listening to your phone.

You are part of the problem. You’re zombie-mulling ways are causing accidents, self-imposed injuries (see: light post lifesavers), and very angry co-citizens. The world is actually pretty interesting if you spend time absorbing it. Take the head-phones out, put the phone in your pocket and walk with your head held high and observe the sounds of birds chirping (or taxis beeping) in your ears. It’s quite… refreshing.

26. Don’t buy “cool” shoes like UGGS or TOMS because they are written in all caps, and very popular.

What about forging your own style? Whatever happened to Kens or Chuck Taylors? I feel like weird slip on boats and big furry boats are odd fashion choices. Let’s sport some old school kicks like reeboks, or Sambas, or Birkenstock rip-offs. Save money, look super “actual” cool.

27. Be a part of the human journey.

Be empathetic, love your neighbor, do everything you can to be better than you were yesterday. We have a responsibility to be good to one another, to try and understand one another. Don’t think you’re different and don’t need to do this, you’re human, and we all have an obligation to show compassion and moral support to our fellow humans. We got here the same way and we’ll leave the same way, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.